When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize