The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
