You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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