my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
