My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
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