Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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