also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
You ever have a fart follow you around?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
