I haven't been this sober since birth.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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