I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
