you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
