he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
