it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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