Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
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