This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
