Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
