Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
