my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
