Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
splinters make it hard to masturbate
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
