there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
