Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
