What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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