i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
