Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
