Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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