whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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