When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
