i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
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