He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
