If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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