i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
