By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
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