So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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