I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Randomize
