ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
