i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
