I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize