dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Randomize
