People in love make me want to vomit
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
