too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
