So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
