I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Randomize