If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
