I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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