Who wears a wallet chain?!
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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