and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Randomize
