I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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