I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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