Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
