i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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