pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
