I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
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