i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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