I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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