So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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