This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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