So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
My life is pants optional.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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